Changing routine. I listened to my meditation instructors and I found myself having to agree with them. You cant stand still when the world moves on.
Its an amazing turn around in the thought patterns that I went through whilst preparing to go outside and get some exercise.
It was something I wanted to do, whilst still finding it difficult to find the inner strength with which to begin.
Changing the subject, predictive texting just threw up the word ‘slaughter‘ instead of ‘strength‘. I bring it up, as the feelings, thought wise at least, were one of such words,( lamb to the but my body and mind still continued forward.
While i was outside i could feel the heaviness in my chest and the numb feeling in my arm and yet it didnt react in the mind. It was recognition that it was the feeling of panic, only the brain accepted the feeling and eventually it subsided.
Now i am guessing that this is due to the injections i have and the practice of mindfulness must be of attention to me. Mindfulness, if nothing else, has exhausted most of my old thought patterns. As they put it ” change the narrative”.
I didnt have any weirder than usual thoughts. When i did( it escapes me what the thought was ) i found myself saying silently ” but thats not you anymore”, and it is not.
It was cold and yet i felt strangely tepid. I didnt once think about going to the bathroom, which is strange alone, because i am normally stuck to the toilet seat.
It is a bold statement, but the feeling i have inside stops me from feeling in the way i used to feel. I couldn’t imagine arguing with a partner or friend. After just listening to a talk about domestic abuse it seems alien to me that i could be abusive.
Now that doesn’t help the past problems, but i think its absolutely brilliant and possibly a necessary progress moving forward. Having an injection that can be used as an intervention in a case of anger issues could save so much damage from being done.
Hark at me! What do i know? Well, enough to know that my mind is thinking differently. I am not gushing outwards with love and compassion, but in a way i kind of am. I am displaying these emotions to myself. Slowly slowly my actions are less damaging. My thoughts are less damaging.
I am yearning for acceptance and yet i am not fully accepting myself, because the reality needs to dawn on me that i am the only one who can and will do this.
I have to get used to a different being, both inside and out. Its a new me and that throws up its own problems. New ways and thoughts to look at and accept. New body and mind to look after. All of which i struggle with.
The scary bit is keeping my mind, whilst all around me lose there’s.
I feel safe from myself. It feels like they would stop me should i lose control. The body can be fed different signals and these signals are capable of stopping one in there tracks.
There is so much terminology for so many issues, its a minefield of information. I am in envy of the information available at the tip of your fingers, and yet i kind of reminisce about the old days when you were just plain naughty.
The fact we were “just naughty children” was the problem. With modern medicine and modern science how different people’s lives may have been.
The overall picture of my adventure outwards, was i would say”agreed by the head and agreed by the heart” and only mild protestations from the path in-between.
