Leaving my comfort zone. Head vs heart.


Changing routine. I listened to my meditation instructors and I found myself having to agree with them. You cant stand still when the world moves on.

Its an amazing turn around in the thought patterns that I went through whilst preparing to go outside and get some exercise.

It was something I wanted to do, whilst still finding it difficult to find the inner strength with which to begin.

Changing the subject, predictive texting just threw up the word ‘slaughter‘ instead of ‘strength‘.  I bring it up, as the feelings, thought wise at least, were one of such words,( lamb to the but my body and mind still continued forward.

While i was outside i could feel the heaviness in my chest and the numb feeling in my arm and yet it didnt react in the mind. It was recognition that it was the feeling of panic, only the brain accepted the feeling and eventually it subsided.

Now i am guessing that this is due to the injections i have and the practice of mindfulness must be of attention to me. Mindfulness, if nothing else, has exhausted most of my old thought patterns. As they put it ” change the narrative”.

I didnt have any weirder than usual thoughts. When i did( it escapes me what the thought was ) i found myself saying silently ” but thats not you anymore”, and it is not.

It was cold and yet i felt strangely tepid. I didnt once think about going to the bathroom, which is strange alone, because i am normally stuck to the toilet seat.

It is a bold statement, but the feeling i have inside stops me from feeling in the way i used to feel. I couldn’t imagine arguing with a partner or friend. After just listening to a talk about domestic abuse it seems alien to me that i could be abusive.

Now that doesn’t help the past problems, but i think its absolutely brilliant and possibly a necessary progress moving forward. Having an injection that can be used as an intervention in a case of anger issues could save so much damage from being done.

Hark at me! What do i know? Well, enough to know that my mind is thinking differently. I am not gushing outwards with love and compassion, but in a way i kind of am. I am displaying these emotions to myself. Slowly slowly my actions are less damaging. My thoughts are less damaging.

I am yearning for acceptance and yet i am not fully accepting myself, because the reality needs to dawn on me that i am the only one who can and will do this.

I have to get used to a different being, both inside and out. Its a new me and that throws up its own problems. New ways and thoughts to look at and accept. New body and mind to look after. All of which i struggle with.

The scary bit is keeping my mind, whilst all around me lose there’s.

I feel safe from myself. It feels like they would stop me should i lose control. The body can be fed different signals and these signals are capable of stopping one in there tracks.

There is so much terminology for so many issues, its a minefield of information. I am in envy of the information available at the tip of your fingers, and yet i kind of reminisce about the old days when you were just plain naughty.

The fact we were “just naughty children” was the problem. With modern medicine and modern science how different people’s lives may have been.

The overall picture of my adventure outwards, was i would say”agreed by the head and agreed by the heart” and only mild protestations from the path in-between.

Causing damage by being present.

Emotional presence

The very notion that i never cared is interpretation on your part. I certainly wouldn’t try to take away from or dismiss your feelings or the damage that was caused.

It is best to say it straight out, i was a bomb waiting to take myself out and i can’t take credit for taking myself away from detonating anywhere near you.

My destruction started years beforehand. I never gave you enough back, especially for the little touches like breakfast and little notes in my sandwiches. My job was something I let get in the way of us. I allowed fear of your family to take my eye of the prize.

You were treated appallingly. I treated you appallingly and i had no excuse. If i was a proper man then i would have handled those problems. In any case i shouldn’t have kept all that from you, that was disrespectful in itself.

The lies were more than likely smokescreens and lies. I cant remember why or when they started or how they slipped past my radar. I think i fucked up somewhere. I was worried at the gap between us. I done something, couldn’t face you with it and the destruct button got set of again.

What you term as the discard was harsh and yes i did make out you was a mad lady. Words couldn’t express the embarrassment and regret at that behaviour. I never took the truth or the fact of your feelings in to account.

I didnt answer your calls because I was jealous, ashamed, scared and hurt. It was my own stupid fault that you ended up being with him. All because I was ashamed at the gap between us.

You were right to drop me. Especially towards the end my lies were becoming more and more outrageous.

I can only say i hadnt met anyone else who i felt so relaxed around. The things i said i meant. The biggest one, together for ever, i didnt keep.

I can say so much more but thats sounding like excuses and those i have none.

I wont put your name. Just know im sorry. When we got married i was serious. In my jealousy and rage i overlooked that massive detail. When we signed for the car i was embarrassed by the age gap again, but i made vows and i let us both down by not adhering to them.

Know that im sorry, genuinely. No narcissist sweep up or whatever. This is purely an apology.

Beating and defeating!

So i admit it, im not just a slow burner, ive practically stopped! Its a shame because I want to get going and pick up the pace and its only my own mind holding me back now.

Ive run out of excuses. Its down to my own shame. Being totally open i feel as though the world is watching. I feel like im on a boat just drifting by, watching myself.

Yes im as bored as i come across. I feel anything I say or do will be scrutinized, which to be fair it probably is. The part im not feeding to myself is where its only me, so i need to push me, because it sure as hell isnt going to come from anywhere else.

I struggle to chance something incase it goes wrong. There is so much going on in the world that im insignificant, but at the same time like everyone else there is alot of craziness and i put my mind inside that and hide away.

I am left with myself and i find it strange ( in a pleasant kind of way) and feel naked while being casually dressed. I dont hope there are any people feeling this way, but i wish there was. Someone to put my efforts up against.

Still have the problem of needed to judge myself by others. I don’t give a toss for stuff anymore. It is about understanding yourself and others. That’s a f**king minefield. Should I ask somebody how they are? What if they dismiss it? It doesn’t really matter, only to me.

I tried an abundance course and i dont know why!. Im searching for that something, that somebody thats going to fix everything. My meditation instructor informed me i didnt need to be fixed.

I guess i have to be my own accountability buddy. That isnt a poor me kind of sentence, its giving myself a check.

It is a piece of piss to give advice. I just cant give advice that I can’t do myself.

Its a strange thought that people know how your brain works better than you do. I wish they’d give me a clue of which direction to travel. I used to like lots of things as a kid, but nothing i can do now.

Everything i liked as a kid was either fantasy or trouble.

Maybe that’s my trouble, that ive forgotten all about my roots! The annoying thing is that I carry around the wounds of early times.

On a lighter note i hope the spelling is up to its usual standard.

Enjoying the girl band music today.

Thoughts of return gestures. Having every thought analysed. I would love to see how others would deal with the day-to-day judgement. I’m trying to think what to say without swearing. There isn’t really any reason for swearing as that is only used to emphasize your point. Trying to think to be kind. It comes pretty naturally lately except for days like today when I get peeved with reading about f, ING narcissism. I shouldn’t get annoyed with it really as I haven’t been diagnosed with the term, but it’s just that knowledge that a lot of what is in your news feed is actually about your life. Maybe that’s what it is. Others will term it as being called out on your bullshit, but I term it as being reminded of times gone by. It’s slightly sarcastic but these people who are screaming about how others can’t change are just still living in the past. Change is easier said than done especially at my age. I like the concept and I’m doing what I can do. I find the mental work easier. There is a trail of carnage behind me and I can’t change that. I can’t remember half the people I affected or even know if I affected them in anyway. People have a right to be angry. It’s a natural emotion. Surprise surprise I feel emotions today. Anger at being laughed at, upset at noting down feelings and being taken out of context. I shall explain. Talked to a vibrant, bubbly, pretty woman. No big deal there then. I didn’t talk to @theangrytherapist nor do I listen to his rants. My question to myself was is its old behaviour having contact with the females on my feed and not the males? So, I wrote a post. Then decided that was old behaviour too so I didn’t post it. It was perceived as me “picking up breadcrumbs “. My first thought was laughter and then embarrassment. I wasn’t being angry, just a little upset that my progress was being misconstrued as me trying to pull. I do however need to stop myself from firing off sarcastic responses to posts on quora regarding narcissism. Changing old behaviour can logically be thought of as altering your intentions. Whatever you do you have to work at changing your mind-set. It wasn’t my intention to change but it sure as hell turned out to be my choice. It literally is changing your thinking. Being conscious of yourself and your actions. “I’ll slaughter you with my words” become “why are you wanting to say that, it’s sarcastic and vindictive “. In the past my attitude has been do what I think and not consider feelings or consequences. Now I do what I think only I consider reasons and consequences. Now I understand about breathing space and giving your thoughts and actions 10 seconds before acting. I can then see things from a different perspective and save causing problems for myself and others. So I will continue my journey into spiritual enlightenment ( without the knowledge of a beautiful soul ❤️) and bowl lacks to the doubters!

Thought this was worth sharing if you lost your family connections.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CI3MK1ajS_N/?igshid=8rbyj1wcnsfe

Sometimes family members can be hurt by things you have done to them, as well as in general,and as such, find it impossible to understand or forgive.

This is not the end of the world. Your part is to forgive them for the wrongs they did to you and open up the line of communication. You may well have feelings come to the surface regarding a family member. There is no way to stop those feelings arising, however you can choose not to react in a negative manner.

It may well be easier to not buy into their negativity and leave some space between you both. Texts and messages are not the way to have deep conversation, as things can be misconstrued by one party or the other.

If it’s answers your looking for, be prepared for the fact that you may not get them or they may not be the answers you were expecting.

No matter how it goes, just be proud that you laid to rest your resentments and offered the hand of peace. Stay strong.

Can feel it building deeply inside!

Early years learning Vs adult teachings.

It is hard to say why someone chooses to abuse, in whatever form that takes. Some people don’t feel they have any choice in committing an act of abuse.
Take for example , the person who takes a drug to feel normal. Their behaviours are that of self neglect. If you wish to take a hard line view, it’s easy to say that they have a choice to steal or not, inject or not or take part in any criminal/drug related crime.

The reality is what? The crime is to fund the habit, the habit is to blot out the damage done in childhood, or is it a habit started with friends purely borne from peer pressure and intrigue at an adult age?

Much the same the person who sups 10 pints goes home and perpetrates domestic abuse. Which is it? Childhood learning or life pressures causing adult outbursts?
The person who racially abuses, is it a case of learnt behaviour from childhood or is it warped ideas borne out of adult misconceptions, or dare I say it, out and out hate.

I can only speak for myself, which is that I don’t believe I hate anyone. I do however have heavy doses of resentment, with an ‘afters’ of jealousy, washed down with a bucket load of judgemental grouping. Anything I say is only my view, I won’t speak for others thoughts or opinions.

Thoughts of return gestures. Having every thought analysed. I would love to see how others would deal with the day-to-day judgement. I’m trying to think what to say without swearing. There isn’t really any reason for swearing as that is only used to emphasize your point. Trying to think to be kind. It comes pretty naturally lately except for days like today when I get peeved with reading about f, ING narcissism. I shouldn’t get annoyed with it really as I haven’t been diagnosed with the term, but it’s just that knowledge that a lot of what is in your news feed is actually about your life. Maybe that’s what it is. Others will term it as being called out on your bullshit, but I term it as being reminded of times gone by. It’s slightly sarcastic but these people who are screaming about how others can’t change are just still living in the past. Change is easier said than done especially at my age. I like the concept and I’m doing what I can do. I find the mental work easier. There is a trail of carnage behind me and I can’t change that. I can’t remember half the people I affected or even know if I affected them in anyway. People have a right to be angry. It’s a natural emotion. Surprise surprise I feel emotions today. Anger at being laughed at, upset at noting down feelings and being taken out of context. I shall explain. Talked to a vibrant, bubbly, pretty woman. No big deal there then. I didn’t talk to @theangrytherapist nor do I listen to his rants. My question to myself was is its old behaviour having contact with the females on my feed and not the males? So, I wrote a post. Then decided that was old behaviour too so I didn’t post it. It was perceived as me “picking up breadcrumbs “. My first thought was laughter and then embarrassment. I wasn’t being angry, just a little upset that my progress was being misconstrued as me trying to pull. I do however need to stop myself from firing off sarcastic responses to posts on quora regarding narcissism. Changing old behaviour can logically be thought of as altering your intentions. Whatever you do you have to work at changing your mind-set. It wasn’t my intention to change but it sure as hell turned out to be my choice. It literally is changing your thinking. Being conscious of yourself and your actions. “I’ll slaughter you with my words” become “why are you wanting to say that, it’s sarcastic and vindictive “. In the past my attitude has been do what I think and not consider feelings or consequences. Now I do what I think only I consider reasons and consequences. Now I understand about breathing space and giving your thoughts and actions 10 seconds before acting. I can then see things from a different perspective and save causing problems for myself and others. So I will continue my journey into spiritual enlightenment ( without the knowledge of a beautiful soul ❤️) and bowl lacks to the doubters!

Thought this was worth sharing if you lost your family connections.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CI3MK1ajS_N/?igshid=8rbyj1wcnsfe Sometimes family members can be hurt by things you have done to them, as well as in general,and as such, find it impossible to understand or forgive. This is not the end of the world. Your part is to forgive them for the wrongs they did to you and open up the line ofContinue reading “Thought this was worth sharing if you lost your family connections.”

Forgiving

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot. Individuals might forgive, companies don’t. To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. I forgive a lot, but I only trust once. If you break my trust, that’s it. Once a woman has forgiven her man, she mustContinue reading “Forgiving”

Hold it down

Things are starting to rankle deep down. I can feel it, like a hunger feeling. Sicky feeling and like it’s a bile taste in the throat. Headache. Words in the music. Computer course going wrong. Reading certain things on social media and making them fit my situation. It all starts to get to me, a touch.

The angry feeling is different to the form it usually takes. It feels as if I am in control of the anger. Usually I don’t think about things, I just react. In fact that’s bo**ocks, because I used to have time to think of something to say, even if I said it before I had fully thought it through.

How much do I have to put up with before I get pissed off? I will try as hard as I can to stop things getting to me. My skin is sore, my body is changing, my family stay distant and the world continues to stand in judgement of me.

This is what payback feels like. Mental, physical, Fu**ING torture. The one good thing is I am removed from people, so I can’t upset or verbally attack. Speaking bol**ks again, because I could upset people via social media, but that don’t seem like a good idea. Throwing anger about isn’t on my radar now.

The loss of control is something I fear losing. I have been so long living with control, that I can’t imagine life without it. Except for the fact that I am already out of control, because things are out of my hands. Control has been taken away from my grasp.

Normally I would be smashing something or spinning into a rage of some sort. I have just read an article about anger not being a sin. It brought up the fact that I Fu**ING hate being laughed at and kept in the dark. Someone knowing what I don’t. It shouldn’t bother me, what I don’t know can’t hurt me, but it does. It means a loss of control, which means fear again, my arch nemesis.

The one thing that people say often, which I have to agree on, is writing things down. Keeping a journal or a blog, really is a good idea. It can give you an outlet, a way of letting of steam sensibly. I notice as you get into writing your thoughts and feelings, you can feel the tension disappear.

I am unsure if this is because of what is written down or whether it is taking your mind in a different direction. Making the mind think in a different way. Practicing mindfulness or meditation is yet another way in which calmness can be found.

Stillness and quiet gives the mind a chance to chill out and be at ease. You have 10-20 minutes of calm and rationalising thoughts. All of a sudden things don’t feel so bad, so stressful. The power changes direction in your brain. You feel in control of your thoughts and you find you have the choice of how you think. Instead of being angry and tense, you become happy and relaxed.

Things may not stay like that, but it gives you the time to re-set your manner of thinking, into one of positivity and understanding. Thus changing aggression into calmness.

Hell, I would be the last person to entertain meditation ” f**king hippies, that’s for the monks”, but although it seems like complete stupidness, it works. I am still unsure if it is a joke that people are playing on me. ” Lol look at him the d**knead sitting there concentrating on his breathing, what a fool”. Well, all I can say is, ” they’re the fools, because it works for me now that I am into it”.

Mindfulness meditation is a practice I have been working for 8 months now and I don’t think I have missed a day. I usually do 20-30 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes in the evening. It allows me to sit with my thoughts quietly on my own , so as I can take stock and think things through properly. Get out all the sh*t and confusing thoughts. Even anger can be brought up in a safe way and then quenched so as to leave one, relaxed and clear headed. Often I just completely zone out and come round at the end of the practice, wondering what happened, as I don’t remember any of it.

There are many mindfulness apps on offer out there. I personally use mindfulness.com, but there is headspace, mindfulness, mindfulness coach and many others. It’s definitely worth checking out and if it’s not for you then you’ve lost nothing. I would recommend giving it 14-28 days ,so as to give it a fair shot.

Check this meditation out for free, on me and see what you think!

Forgiving

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot. Individuals might forgive, companies don’t. To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. I forgive a lot, but I only trust once. If you break my trust, that’s it. Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must […]

Forgiving
There is a message in there for me personally, me thinks! Thanks to banterrepublik http://@banterrepublik